When I was younger (when was that? I barely remember now…) I remember hearing my aunts (or was it my mother’s cousins?) discussing the age of invisibility.

I used to think they were being ridiculous and melodramatic, but now I’ve discovered exactly what they meant. Once a woman hits a certain age – and perhaps that certain age is accompanied by a certain weight – well, nobody notices her at all any more. And I think I’m there. I suspect I could stand naked in the middle of the mall and set my head on fire and nobody would notice.

Well perhaps they’d notice that.

But in general, nobody sees you once your fat and frumpy and forty. The shop attendants stare at your credit card and take your money, but they never look you in the eye. The  snotty nosed ratbags on the street have eyes only for each other. The old people are too busy complaining about the young people to notice the middle people.

Invisible.

That’s what I am.

It feels a bit sad really…

Every year, I get together with a good friend of mine and we host a pink ribbon breakfast. In Australia, pink ribbon breakfasts are held in October and are organised by the National Breast Cancer Foundation.

At the breakfast, we invite as many women as we can find to come along dressed in something pink, with a plate of yummy pink food, and people can choose to donate money or to buy merchandise or simply to chat and socialise!

Our event this year was small by past standards (I’ve had a lot on my mind lately!) but never the less, we raised well over $500 on the day and still have more pledged funds coming in.

Do you want to donate to my breakfast?! You can do so here!

And here’s a few pictures from our fun, fundraising venture!

I’ve buggered up nablopomo by the look of it…. Life is just overwhelmingly hectic at present!

Thank you for all your kind thoughts. I’m hoping to keep mum out of a hospice as long as possible. She’s happiest at home and I want her to be there as long as possible. She has a wonderful doctor that is available on the phone 24/7 and visits her at home as needs be. There are also respite carers that come in for a few hours each week.

On Saturday I organised for a respite carer to stay over night – 8pm-8am – so mum’s husband could get a night’s sleep. It is her husband, D, that I’m most concerned about. He appears to be on the verge of a nervous breakdown. You know that painting, “The Scream” ? He says he feels like that. Yet when the doctor discussed anti-depressants with him he said she was talking psycho babble and refused to listen.

So somehow, I have to help him through this without him falling apart. And without me falling apart!

Anyway – mum’s looked MUCH better the past few days. The delirium is gone. I suspect the delirium was related to too much drug taking by mistake. SHe’s been eating a little at most mealtimes and has even got out of bed and gone to the lounge room to watch tv. Two days in a row! So things are definitely improved from last week!

Ok – so I promise not to rabbit on about all my problems for the entire month of November! Something cheery next time perhaps…

Do you think if I do three posts today that makes up for not writing a post for three days?! Is it 30 posts in 30 days? Or does it have to be one a day every day?! I’m changing the rules… 30 posts in 30 days!

I promise not be morose in every post for this month. But mum’s imminent demise is playing on my mind…

I’ve never watched anyone die before. It’s not a pretty sight. I’ve heard that it’s a privilege to be with someone at the end of their life. I hope this is true.

Mum has been in and out of a delirious state the past two days. I spoke to her doctor this evening who said the delirium is most likely related to an infection of some type and that infections are likely to become more frequent over the coming weeks.

Yesterday mum looked me in the eye and said, “Are you expecting a baby? Someone’s expecting a baby.”

Nobody we know is expecting a baby…

I asked her doctor how much time she felt mum has left and she indicated that her time is unlikely to be measured in months. But then again, a stubborn streak runs in my family and we can hang on for a long, long time. Most of my great aunts survived well into their nineties. But at the moment my greatest hope is that perhaps mum will see Christmas.

Which leaves me with two dilemmas. Firstly, do I invite all the relatives to come down as soon as possible? Do people want to be told she’s dying? Do they want to come and see her? I’ve spoken to a couple of people and I never know if I’m sounding like a drama queen or doing the right thing. And will mum even recognise them by next week? She may become completely lucid again. But she may not.

And my second dilemma is how much should I involve the children? Should I bring them over every few days to slowly witness her decline? Should I let them be there at the very end if that is possible? I have a romantic picture in my head of her being surrounded by her children and grandchildren at the moment of her death. But is that a reality? Should I subject the children to such an experience? I just don’t know.

For now I’m taking every day one at a time and hoping to be led by those more knowledgable than I. But I’ve also noticed that everyone in the family looks to me for guidance. I ring the carers, the family, the friends. I organise everything. For everyone. I’m not sure how much to involve others… Or how much time she has.

I once read a quote that said, no matter the relationship with your parents, you will miss them when they’re gone.

Both my parents are still here so I can’t comment on the veracity of this quote, but as I watch my mother fade away before my eyes, I can see that it likely has a strong ring of truth to it.

My mother and I always had a somewhat difficult relationship. Very difficult. Ten years ago she was diagnosed with cancer and since that time, things have slowly changed.

I spend every Thursday with her now. Doing her housework. Bringing her food. Running her a bath. Washing her hair. She’s now almost bed bound and said a few days ago she hopes not to last more than two months as she can’t cope with it any more. She’s dying.

It’s hard to watch.

Very hard.

The vivacious, fussy, incredibly annoying woman I grew up with – the woman who would wash clean clothes and clean dishes – can no longer brush her own hair (what’s left of it) and is utterly reliant on other people for everything. Absolutely everything.

My relationship with her has definitely changed and I know I will miss her when she’s gone….

I have a night in!!

Whoo hoo!

I haven’t had a night in for two weeks!

I love my pyjamas…

Have spoken to the school principal. He had a meeting with Sparkle and then a conference with Sparkle and Mrs C. They’ve come to an agreement for now. Mrs C promises to be fairer with her discipline and keep an eye out for Sparkle (he’s often in trouble for telling naughty kids to stop talking…) Sparkle has agree to take more responsibility for his own behaviour, try and get his anger under control, and if things get this bad again, he’s promised to seek out the principal and deal with things properly rather than running away.

Mrs C is his teacher tomorrow so we’ll see how things pan out in reality…

Ok – so I’m signed up now which means I’ll post every day, but todays post will be pitifully short!

Will share one of my many woes with you.

Sparkle ran away from school today. In the eleven years that my children have been going to school, not one has ever ran away from school. He has two teachers, Mrs C on Monday/Tuesday and Mr M rest of the week. Mr M is young and funky and groovy and the kids love him. Mrs C … not so loved! In fact Sparkle hates her. With a passion.

For months I’ve had dreadful difficulty getting him to school mondays and tuesdays. There’s now only six weeks of school left so I’ve been telling him he should just put up with her – there’s not many days of her left! But being and angry, petulant ten year old, he took one look at her this morning then turned around and walked home.

Lucky I was home!

I’ve rung the school principal and tomorrow he’ll sit Sparkle down and see if they can get to the bottom of it and come up with a compromise. He has always been a model student in the past and never had any problems at school at all. Ever. This is most unlike him. Hopefully we can convince him to just put up with Mrs C for the last few weeks of grade five!

Hello! It has been a long time! I’m signed up for nablopomo so expect to hear from me every day from now on. For the next 30 days at least.

Today I would just like to ask one thing… How do I stop my blog posts automatically appearing in facebook?! Please tell me! I think I’d feel a bit freer without such an open audience!

Life is overwhelming in my world. Shall tell you all about it over the next 30 days!!

Ok – stop hassling me! I know I haven’t been writing in here regularly. I am sorry. I will try and do better from now on!

Life has been very busy! I feel like I’ve entered into a permanent state of temporary. I’m still doing a bit of flute teaching and the very occasional bit of performance, but honestly – nowhere near enough to earn a living. So I’ve been trying to use my newly acquired Masters in Journalism to gain work of some description. In another area. Anything but journalism! I don’t think I’m suited to that… I know I’m not suited to that!

My volunteer work at the Menzies Research Institute has been fantastic and a real opportunity. I assist the communications and events manager and I’ve figured that’s the field I’d like to go into. Not only would I like to do it – I’ve figured out I’d be very good at it!  Unfortunately convincing other people of my great possibilities is a bit trickier! I’m over job applications. I have put SO many in and had a handful of interviews and had a lot of “very close seconds” but my gut instinct is saying I’m not going to get a job like this. Not in this economic climate anyway…

So – here I am. Feet in two camps. Accepting every ounce of teaching and performing that comes along. Volunteering at Menzies. And for the past few months, being employed there as a casual for data upload. Data upload… Paid work but not exactly mentally stimulating! I’m now working four days a week – but temporarily. So I can’t rearrange kids lessons and my teaching and stuff. I have to keep it all where it is because I’m not going to be doing this temporary job permanently. Am I?! I don’t think so! Eventually the new website will be up and running and they won’t need me to upload data any more.

So – I’m chewing over new ideas for earning money in the future. Surely there’s some way for me to earn an income?! A regular one… Not a permanently temporary one. All this temporariness is very stressful…

I think I’d like to run a B&B. I just need some money to buy a lovely building first. A nice big one. In the city. With lots of land around it. And a commercial kitchen. And a pool. And fairies and leprechauns…